The Headache Monster

For the love of all that is holy – why have I done this to myself.

Write a blog every other week, I said.

It will be easy, I said.

What could go wrong, I said.

Just to be clear.

The blog writing is not hard.

Life is hard.

I just completed one of the most successful and meaningful experiences of my life.

Really.

I cannot tell you how much hosting the very first Finding Center Retreat meant to me.

But that is not why we are gathered here today.

Today we are gathered here to talk about something that is very real to me.

Migraine headaches.
Sneaky Bastards.

I’ve talked about them, I’ve told people, I don’t hide them anymore, and I definitely recognize their relevance in not only my life, but those of millions of people.

I have had no less than four neurologists in 10 years tell me that, sure enough, you suffer from migraines.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t suffer from an occasional migraine headache.

If I’m not medicated daily with a preventative migraine medication…..

I average 30 headache days per month.

30 days a month – with headache symptoms.

Try that on. See how long you can function normally.

It took a while, but eventually, I couldn’t think. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t earn.

I couldn’t anything.

I had a lot of appointments. I had a lot of tests. I found some interesting things.

I needed thyroid medication – no surprise. But it didn’t fix anything.

I am apparently -/+ for a wonderful thing called Hemochromatosis – which means that someday the fact that my body may store too much iron, could become a problem.

Cool. Still not the cause.

Back in the day, when I was a young Trainer’s Wife, my husband would say…

“You know, you always get a headache when the stress is over.”

He wasn’t wrong. I went to the doctor.

That particular doctor prescribed a drug that contained, are you ready for this?

Butte and Caffeine!

Seriously – in my 20’s, there was a drug called Esgic Plus that had two ingredients.

I told the doctor that I could take some butte prescribed by a vet and drink a Coke and it would not have cost as much.

By the way, in 1990 whatever and in the 20 somethings, all cat scans and MRI’s were clean. Not one cat could be found in my brain.

One Neurologist could be quoted: “Your brain is beautiful.”

Just to be clear – that means, you don’t have a tumor.

Halleluiah. I think.

Or at least that is how I felt sometimes.

“Really? All of this pain, lost time, lost wages, lost life and there is… nothing, wrong with me?

I changed my diet – SO many times. I stopped all sugar. I went Vegan. Hard core.

I stopped drinking alcohol!

I made sure I received plenty of sleep.

I tried every drug they sent me home with.

I stopped taking Ibuprofen.

And – I lied.

I’m fine. I feel okay today.

No really. I’m good.

But somewhere in that day, during that lie, the symptoms would overcome and I would give up.

I would go to bed.

Take more drugs.

Throw up everything.

Eventually quit my job.

Cry in my bed.

Try to function.

And fail.

Again.

Day after day.

One day, during what they called a “bomb cyclone weather event,” I remember thinking that my gun was just over there….

I’ve never hurt as bad as I did that day.

Instead I called my friend.

Then, one day, new drugs! CGRP Inhibitors! Whatever the hell that means.

These drugs came in like Mighty Mouse, “Here I come to save the day!!”

And they did. Period.

My quality of life is different.

But you know what. Nothing is perfect.

And over the last couple of weeks, the sneaky bastard has taken my life away from me again.

The migraine symptoms that come with mine – the ones we don’t talk about much….

These are of course in addition to head pain, gastro discomfort, vestibular vertigo, polyuria, and on and on and on……

Did I mention the exhaustion and depression?

Sometimes I think my ex had a point when he discussed me having the biggest headaches when the stress ended.

While the retreat I hosted was the best thing ever, it was also stressful for me to create. I wanted it to be amazing – and it was.

What I’m wondering now is how do I get around the current migraine attack to plan the next one. To create the next great thing.

Have I built a tolerance to the current meds – maybe I need a new one.

I’ll call the doctor – the current neurologist – and we will do the next right thing.